Saturday, June 26, 2010

This Must Be The Place

Life is what you make it.
Life is beautiful, precious, and fun.

I went to a club in Hollywood a couple days ago. RI DIC U LOUS. I thought I would have fun, but the night really did not go well. I never thought that I would like clubs, but this only reassured my beliefs. Overall weird night, pretty shitty at the club, but good to see and hang out with friends.

Yesterday I went to a couple consignment stores in the area, HOME and Flashbacks in Encinitas. I realized how beautiful San Diego is. The beach cities have a certain feel to them. I am happy to be living here and I really appreciate it. After a day of shopping and such we felt a couple shots were very necessary to relax. Had some drinks, good conversation and fun.

I want to take a trip somewhere. I want to take a trip to a new place. LETS GO!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

And The Days Keep Rolling By

Its funny how slowly the weeks go by and yet the years seem to go so quickly.

I have been thinking a lot about past loves and lusts these days and they all seem so interesting when looking back. They all seem so funny and significant. Like each relationship has shaped, given and taken parts of my personality and self.

I love the summer. No class, no bullshit. Just fun.

I want to get out. Have a fucking good time. And be a wreck less kid with nothing to lose.

"Better to burn out, than to fade away" - Neil Young

PHOTO BY: Paul Van Hoy

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Waking Up Isn't Always Easy

I have been thinking a lot about family and such these days. It is interesting to me how father and mother figures are portrayed so often in film/media. People often blame media for women's high expectations of men, ie, Prince Charming. However, I think that we have media to blame for false images of what families should be like more so. Helpful, supportive and wise parents. Supportive and kind, older siblings. I realize now that all of these are sadly inaccurate (well in most cases).

I think that you have to be dependent upon yourself and not rely on help from your family. I keep getting tricked into looking to them for advice when the only one I should and can really look towards is myself. We are simply too different.

And while this realization might seem depressing, it is actually very refreshing and helpful. I am more qualified to help myself than anyone else. I don't feel as trapped. I have control of my own happiness and while there are some things that I really can't control right now, I shall make the best of it.

Yesterday I tried to go to some reggae show in PB,
however it was sold out. Ended up talking to some random stranger in a coffee shop for about an hour. She is a teacher at a local middle school, an art teacher. I got a lot of insight to what it must have been like for all of my teachers growing up and I have a new earned respect for teachers, well more respect.

Thank god I am no longer in a world of tattle telling and 7th grade boys.

I think next semester I shall be taking Kinesiology, Yoga, Pilates, Bilogy, cardio training, Nutrition and Spanish. And maybe a sewing and design class. It just depends on what classes are available once I sign up.

This photo was taken at the coffee shop were
I talked to the insightful teacher.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

All I Need

Tired. Worked today. Tomorrow off, should be nice to sleep in.

I have been thinking a lot about Alaska. I don't need college right now. Nature can be my teacher. Plenty of books to read while out there also.

Climbing, hiking, backpacking, traveling, exploring, living.

These days I feel as though I am dying, not living. I am not taking full advantage of my soul, of my body and mind. I am trapped inside of a box, one like all the others on my block, and I need to get out. Get away and resuscitate what is left of my soul. It has been a long time since something excited me, since I woke up in the morning excited for the day. It used to happen so often as a child, but now I can barely remember how it felt to have trouble containing my excitement. I have learned now that most things just let you down- save yourself the trouble and don't even feel the joy.

I guess it doesn't help that I work at an outdoor store. All I can think about is getting away, escaping into the mountains and leaving this box.

I want to leave and if I had the resources or knowledge I would leave now. But I guess I need a plan. A goal.

All I need is a really good idea.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Living sounded so easy from a far.

I thought I would start blogging. Sounded fun.

I worked today. Watched Great Northern Lights- a documentary on the White Stripes. Contemplated my every growing issues concerning males. Well, continued contemplating.
In addition to my issues with men, I have been thinking a lot about getting away. I am living a mere 30 miles from the place where I was born and raised. I want to get out. Explore. I want to feel like I am bettering myself, really living.

My current situation: living with my father in North County San Diego, going to community college, pretending like I am okay with it, uncertain on most everything serious in my life, and well feeling very very helpless in matters of my own life.

Just going to community college doesn't make me feel like I am doing anything better with my life, especially living in a very conservative area. I feel like I am going crazy, and while I want to make the best of it I feel as though I am very out of place and need a change.

Plan, sell everything go up to Alaska.

Plan, save up money move to San Francisco.

Plan, move to New York.

Plan, move to Argentina.

Plan, move to Spain.

Plan, move to Canada.

Plan, get away.

Plan, LIVE.